After the Addiction: Discovering the AuDHD and CPTSD Beneath It

I am writing at 3:43a in the morning because I can’t sleep. I am in year nine of my recovery from various addictions (alcohol, codependency, etc.) and it’s been rough. Moody, bitchy, caring less about people and things, angry, sad, and low energy or motivation to get things done. Because now that the addictions have been arrested in some ways (complete alcohol sobriety, less toxic codependent behaviors) something is emerging. The issues I was medicating for.

Namely untreated Audhd and cPTSD.

I have always been very rigid in the ways I want something done, to the point of unhealthy inconvenience. I have had hyperfixations since I was a kid (note not fancy or cool one’s, but they were mine, lol!); first cardboard boxes and major builds with them, reading every book in the house I could find, then researching and message board engagement on computers (when we were still doing dial-up!), then a deep obsession with get-rich-quick schemes, then excessive fantasizing and then I found marijuana and that hyperfixation stuck until I discovered alcohol. And I was the quintessential pot-head. I loved different strains, the smell, the ritual of the toke up, the entire process. I lived for it! Same for alcohol; the ritual, different types, the experience of consumption. And the rest as they say is history. The history being I got good and hooked.

I also had perfectionist anxiety for academic and social performance, scripted conversations in my head (didn’t know I was practicing masking), severe emotional dysregulation, and once I hit college and that rigid structure vanished I could barely manage classes and the rest of my life. Planning, maintenance, upkeep, and task initiation were not my friends.

And last but not least, I’ve experienced physical abuse, sexual abuse, and emotional neglect in my family of origin with repeated experiences that overwhelmed my ability to cope and that I could not escape. Textbook conditions for the onset of cPTSD. I have a hard time trusting others or myself for that matter, difficult maintaining healthy relationships, hypervigilant to the moon and back, dysregulated (again), and I am frequently triggered into emotional flashbacks that

created debilitating panic attacks or temporary non-functional depressions.

"I also had perfectionist anxiety for academic and social performance, scripted conversations in my head (didn’t know I was practicing masking)..."

Look at all those symptoms! Look at how I know what they are because I stopped drugs (substances, processes, and people.)

And so it was.

I had been drinking, smoking, excessively people-pleasing, and in high-key in obsessions (constant dopamine drip) with others to keep the symptoms of Audhd and cPSTD at bay. Nicotine is great for quick dopamine hits, got lots done with that nasty addiction for a while until the coughs, chest pains, and heart palpitations got in the way. For this I am very blessed, problematic symptoms for nicotine addiction started early.

But I also don’t feel blessed. I feel like I’ve been handed a bag of venomous snakes and asked to “tame them” without the tools to do it well or safely, at all.

"Arresting certain addictions has truly made my life better. Better relationships and support systems than I had before. More fun experiences like travel and trampoline parks (dopamine capital!)...But with all that good came awareness and symptom whack-a-mole... Overwhelm and being on the edge of burnout are frequent companions."

Addictions clearly don’t work. As well they shouldn’t. I realized right before I started typing this piece that addictions are like the weathering pattern of a canyon. Except addictions will weather an area down the core of the earth if you let them, they have no stopping sense. No moderation. No concept of different tool utilization, they just do the most always and forever. I could not use indefinitely. But mannnnnn...I’m on the struggle bus. I have a few medications that help now. Therapy helps process the emotions and root causes of certain behavior which is helpful too. I’ve been coached before on certain behaviors and life goals that have stuck with me and aided my growth. And I attend support groups for that all important, “I am not alone with the sheer fuckery of problems I possess. My way of being is not an isolated incident.” Thank God! Isolation did me in as a kid.

But by and large though, I am still with me when all these symptoms surface. I still have to choose different actions. Coping tools. Healthier responses. Begin weathering a new canyon and not run it down to the quick. But inside I’m screaming, "I want my old tools!" And I don’t want the intensity of the symptoms because they are loud! Precisely why I went the addiction route to begin with.

I probably sound “woe is me” and I can’t say that’s not what I am doing. Arresting certain addictions has truly made my life better. Better relationships and support systems than I had before. More fun experiences like travel and trampoline parks (dopamine capital!) I even stuck with things enough to develop skill sets and career trajectories! And self love entered the chat, although it’s still a fight many days because the demons of trauma like to ruin it. But with all that good came awareness and symptom whack-a-mole, as addiction by addiction dropped by the way side. Overwhelm and being on the edge of burnout are frequent companions.

I don’t have a super positive re-frame at the moment. Sometimes I do. But right now, I think I’m just sitting with the reality of what my world looks like right now. I have hope that I will manage my symptoms better in the years to come because...I am aware. And because I will have weathered new coping tools, but not to the point of exhaustion. But that’s all hope. Right now, I’m kinda drowning.

Santee Blakey is a Self Care Coach, Author, and Licensed Massage Therapist (because healing is mind and body). She spends her time in cafe's, taking walks, being super sensitive, loving on folks, and practicing to be the whole human being she already knows she is. Check out her blog and social media for tasty bits of perspective, empowerment and ways to grow in self love. Schedule a complimentary coaching session to grow your spiritual practices today!