Not Your Therapist’s CBT, Learning You Are Loveable

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Did you get told to replace an old belief with a new belief in therapy sometime? How did that go for you? Did it seem revolutionary? Or out of touch?

To be clear, it’s useful in my opinion, but there’s some caveats. I think when you’re a person with obsessive thoughts and thinking patterns, it can be harder to really get the fruit out of it. However, that doesn’t stop the concept from being useful, maybe just it’s execution which is what I want to talk about!

Have you cried so hard, your whole body felt it? Toes to head? Snotty, tired, full of emotion; but cleared, cleansed, renewed at the end of it? I cried like that recently and it was an incredibly important piece to one of the most helpful CBT experiences I’ve ever had. Allow me to explain…

" When my tub is full of those experiences, the emotions about those experiences, and the un-felt grief of those experiences; simply installing a new belief does not work well."

First. CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s called an evidence based practice that helps people with limiting beliefs or beliefs that don’t help them have better lives. Like believing you don’t deserve healthy communication because you never grew up with it as a kid. If you have this belief, you might sabotage someone giving you good communication because you believe you don’t deserve it. You might bite their head off or some version of incendiary feedback for their honest attempt to be respectful, open, and kind to you.

CBT says let’s look at the event/trigger that causes that feeling/belief to emerge, challenge it, and replace it with a new belief. It might go something like, “That reaction seems a little over the top, me thinks I could have a better reaction.” Next you say to yourself, your new belief. “I absolutely deserve good healthy loving communication and I am in a place to receive it and appreciate it.” Ideally you repeat this enough to yourself in your own time and during tough windows of communication that you stop the sabotaging behavior, as the new belief about what you deserve takes root. And your behavior naturally evolves as a result.

Whew! Glad you read all that. Now the thing is, this is a beautiful theory and it is effective. I have tried it and successfully it done a number of times. But the process was a lot different from a few sessions in therapy exploring the belief and developing a new one. Lots of grief is involved in my process. What about you?

Releasing emotions can be uplifting.

See I cry so much, body wracking crying because the letting go of an old belief hurts. It was an effective tool of self protection, until it wasn’t. I also feel grief for all the ways I didn’t use this new belief and give myself the wonderful things I deserved. There is a lot of grief there and I liken it to a very full tub. When my tub is full of those experiences, the emotions about those experiences, and the un-felt grief of those experiences; simply installing a new belief does not work well. I’m too full of emotion for something as rational as CBT to work well. I need to release. Crying is one way to release that grief, to drain that tub. Exercising is another way, trauma yoga is gaining serious popularity, or somatic exercises where you look like an alien toddler is also showing up and out and I am here for all of it, let’s get weird and silly. Healing right!?

Because your pain lives in your body*, it remembers the bullying, back handed compliments, yelling, shutting down your feelings, dysfunction, betrayal, and threatening that occurred in earlier years. In this example, not a drop of good communication to be found, right? Of course it would be hard to think you deserve good communication after those experiences explicitly or implicitly told you otherwise. Your conclusion was solid and sensible. But you got to be an adult and suddenly lashing out when someone is actually listening to you and caring about you does not work anymore. What do you do? You find out why you’re lashing out and think about what you want to do differently in the future. But it’s hard! Your body is automatic, it’s responses are keyed in, booted up, ready to deploy quickly and efficiently. Yeah, that pause before you so un-eloquently mic drop sounds good, but you’re in the moment and everything has been calibrated for you to respond the way you always have, with defensiveness rather than openness.

I find that when I properly grieve and release those experiences, the one’s that told me things that were harmful to my happiness and sense of connection with others, CBT concepts work a lot better. Because I’ve poured out the tub. This new belief around good communication has somewhere to sit inside of me. And actually get acted out. Energy work might seem woo-woo to you, but here me out. When you clear the energy of “I should get yelled at” and replace it with the energy “I should be talked to respectfully” things change. But it’s not just an awareness and a thought. Something tangible must take place. I think emptying the tub – as it were – along with replacing an old belief with a new healthier one is a good combo shot to change how you respond to upsetting events or triggers in a way that honors your new belief about what you actually deserve. Which is a lot.

Those authors Mate, Tolle, and van der Kolk are very right about the body being a site for our pain and trauma. I know for me it never really made sense when people said, “let go of the resentment or pain.” I’m like, “howwww?” But somatic (soma just means body) or bodily experiences of release is where I think some magic really happens. As a massage therapist I have had the wonderful experience of hearing the deep sigh of relief that comes from clients when they and their body “let go.” My regular clients were some of the most emotionally regulated people I met and I think part of that was their regular release ritual. Not just their mind releasing what does not serve them, but their body.

"I find that when I properly grieve and release those experiences, the one’s that told me things that were harmful to my happiness and sense of connection with others, CBT concepts work a lot better. Because I’ve poured out the tub. This new belief around good communication has somewhere to sit inside of me."

If you’ve been struggling with CBT, maybe try this. If you’re a crier, think about what hurts you and cry it out. Don’t think during the cry, just cry. When you’re done, affirm your new belief to yourself. You might think about feeling unlovable, feel those feelings, the pity and despair and when you’re good and cried out, say with your whole chest and heart out loud, “I am worthy and deserving of love and I will practice that in my life, period.” See how you feel after this experience. Stronger? Readier to try something new? Committed? Optimistic?

Obviously more remains to be done, for instance like practicing you are loveable in the situations that challenge that belief. But now you’ve had a powerful release and renewal experience, so there’s space within yourself to try. You emptied the tub and new love affirming experiences await you. As they should be because you are loveable.

Try it out, let me know what you think in the comments, I’d love to hear how this works for you!

*Gabor Mate, Eckhart Tolle, Bessel van der Kolk (great authors and scientists, check out their books!)

Santee Blakey is a Self Care Coach, Author, and Licensed Massage Therapist (because healing is mind and body). She spends her time in cafe's, taking walks, being super sensitive, loving on folks, and practicing to be the whole human being she already knows she is. Check out her blog and social media for tasty bits of perspective, empowerment and ways to grow in self love. Schedule a complimentary coaching session to grow your spiritual practices today!